There is something that only a few people know about me. It is my astonishing ability to find heart-shaped stones;) I don’t keep them all though, only the special ones.
My first heart-shaped stone was red, I found it when i was a little girl and kept it for years. I thought it was pretty magical to find a heart-shaped stone. When I had almost reached the tender age of twelve, I gave my red heart-shaped stone to a boy. This boy had a very strange name, was a bit funny looking, and I thought I loved him. He gave the stone back to me. I still have it today.
I guess you could spend hours pulling analogies from that experience, the first of which should be not to give your heart to boys, or at least be aware that it is fraught with danger. Or maybe to steer clear of funny-looking boys altogether? I guess I haven’t learnt either of those lessons, having yet again given my heart to a funny-lookin boy and sat back to wait and see if he’d like to keep it. I guess I did learn something though, because I never tried to give that heart-shaped stone to a boy ever again. It’s on my bedside table to this day. Maybe I learnt to keep my heart to myself, safe and secure and free from danger. Or maybe I just learnt that boys don’t understand the romantic significance of a heart-shaped stone. A red one at that!
I also have kept a special black heart-shaped stone. This one I found on a beach that is very special to me, and I found it when I was at a difficult time in my life. This beach is special because I have so many memories there. Both my babies had their first feel of sand between their toes and waves splashing their little legs at that beach. I went there to say goodbye to my baby who didn’t make it. I went to that beach to think about some of the most important decisions I have ever had to make. I have been to that beach with family in happy times and in sad. We’ve been there to feel free and happy and we’ve been there when we needed to stick together and hold one another up. I’ve held hands and shared a first kiss at that beach, fallen in love amongst the rocks and breaking waves. I have wonderful loved ones who take me to that beach when I need a break, when I am not well. It is just a beach, in just a place, but it is special to me, special things happen there, I’m sure of that.
The other heart-shaped stone I have kept is a tiny white heart. Which is quite fitting as I found it the day that I buried susie-baby. Susie was Lil’s favourite kitten, when our cat had a litter of five kittens. There was something different about Susie-baby, she was the most placid, loving animal I have ever known. Lil could hold and cuddle her for hours, Susie wouldn’t struggle and run and jump like the other kittens. Susie would let Lil dress her in dolls clothes and feed her a bottle, push her in the dolls pram. She was a very gentle and patient little soul: just what Lil needed. Unfortunately we could not keep Susie, so I made sure that Lil spent plenty of time with her, Susie was a very calming influence. The night before Susie-baby went to live with her new owners, I took photo’s of them together snuggling on the sofa. Lil got up and ready for school early so that she could have one last play with Susie before saying goodbye. Playing in the yard, susie ducked under the small gap beneath the fence and was immediately grabbed by the big growly dog next door. My neighbour was able to remove the kitten from the dogs mouth, getting her hands mauled in the process, but Susie was hurt bad. I wrapped her in a blanket and told Lil she had to say goodbye, that Susie was not going to make it. Bindi, such a good mother cat, cleaned the dirt and dog drool from the fur of her dying baby and she and Lil sat with her until she passed. Lil was quiet and gentle, not wanting to scare Susie, wanting her to go feeling loved, but as soon as she passed, Lil wailed and cried loudly and refused to let her go.
As a mother, that is one of the hardest things I have had to do, after almost an hour, to pry the stiff dead kitten out of my daughters arms and to try to make sense out of death for her young mind. We went to a secluded spot along the river and I went alone into the bush to dig a hole and bury Susie-baby in a box that Lil had decorated. Lil came later and put flowers there. That is the day I found the tiny white heart-shaped stone on the river bed. I’ve kept it not as a reminder of a small unique kitten named Susie, but to remember the day Lil was forced to enter the big grown up world where things don’t always make sense, the good guys don’t always win and stuff hurts. That year we all learned a lot about grief, had to feel it again and again, only to discover that it never gets easier. Lil was sure that Uncle Sean, Steve Irwin and Peter Brock were all up in heaven looking after her Susie baby. She would laugh that Steve was saying ‘look, they’re writing all over my shirts down there’ and Brocky would answer ‘that’s nothing mate, they’ve written all over my car!’ Steve would be good to Susie because he loved animals and Uncle Sean would look after her because he was a daddy and would be missing baby Cameron. I guess it gave her comfort to make up those little stories. Nanny’s sister Pam went up to them soon after, and now Ethel and Par have gone away too, to join the strange gathering up there in heaven watching over Susie-baby.
The little white heart-shaped stone is for remembering, for grief, loss of innocence, and to remind me that life is short, life has no guarantees and to love those around you while they are still here.
Heart-shaped stones.
the end.
