Update (or) I remembered to blog

Six weeks on and this working thing is keeping me pretty busy hey. I have callous’s from mopping floors, muscles from hauling babies around and snot-sand-and-peanut-butter-smeared clothing just from being in the same room as toddlers. So here’s the update and I don’t have much time/energy/thinkings so I’m going dot point with this baby.

• Work is going well, getting paid is nice, babies are cute and small children say funny things and scream at people wearing bear suits. (Though changing nappies will never be a source of enjoyment for me. Ditto toilet training other people’s children or wiping their disgusting noses regardless of how many layers of gloves I am required by regulation to wear) I have made some friends at work and have my very own nemesis also, which is nice.
• My health is good, I’ve been keeping pretty well aside from losing a bit much weight and having a go at chickenpox for a while there.
• The kids are good and enjoying school at the moment, Titchy zozo won an award for her writing recently which was a very proud moment and the prize was her very own bank account with real life money in it! If only I could win real life money for writing!
• We had a short holiday at the beach, just us girls which was really relaxing and luvly:)
• I read Eat,Pray,Love and loved it
• I watched Eat,Pray,Love and liked it
• I finally paid someone to mow my lawn. I knew the situation was bad but didn’t expect the mower to show up on mowee’s doorstep the next day to whinge about how particularly gruelling the job was and demand more money.
• My application for a new house was not approved and I am physically going nowhere (though metaphorically thriving)
• The sidekick formerly known as trusty has dropped the prefix to his name, hopefully only temporarily.
• I have a message on my mobile phone from the council, wanting to speak to the cat.
• My study is going nowhere……
• I started seeing a psychologist, then stopped again.
• I’ve started meditating daily :)

That’s all for now, time for sleeps. M:)

Guilt icecream

Yesterday i took the kids out for guilt icecreams.
I’m new to this whole working mother thing but it seemed to be the right thing to do after picking your kids up from school, having not seen them since you tucked them into bed the night before. ouch.

push/crash

today i have to not rest at all until at least 5pm to prove to myself that i can get through my shift tomorrow. i’m feeling pretty weary. i realised this morning that i don’t really have anything to wear to work, my teacher stuff is too dressy and impractical and my comfy stuff is all a bit ancient and daggy. I dredged my mind to remember whats the best sort of thing to wear for child care and headed off shopping. the key is comfy and stretchy (lots of bending and lifting) so i ended up buying a couple pairs of shorts that were intended for the gym. I’ll look like i’m off jogging but oh well. i didn’t buy any tops because if i get the job i will have to wear the uniform shirt.

i realised something else today, and it’s about a favourite mantra of mine “expect the best but prepare for the worst” which i have stitched into my mind to help me juggle this life of being sick. what i realised today is that i have been so busy preparing myself (methodically, practically and emotionally) for if i don’t cope with my new workload, that i forgot to expect the best. it suddenly occurred to me that maybe i will love this job? enjoy the hours? juggle it all beautifully and thrive? which cheered me up a bit.

(fyi, my most well used mantra is “this too shall pass” and i can be found muttering it inwardly or outwardly on any given day lately. i also have other sayings that i think of often though i don’t necessary use them as a mantra to transform my thinking, these are “a step backwards is progress” which reminds me to simplify rather than complicate my life with thoughts actions and things. “everything happens for a reason” which i really do believe and “find the positives” which can be tricky sometimes;)

the positives about my new job are:

- i’ll get a pretty good wage

- the uniform is purple

umm yeah, it’s a work in progress.

I am still preparing for the worst and have lists coming out of my lists. my whole week is planned out on paper step-by-step lest my little brain doth fail. the fridge is full of home baked goodness and the pantry with quick-grab snacks. I spent this morning chopping vegies and filling freezer bags with interesting assortments for when i can’t think how to make dinner. i’m on top of my assignments and the house is (relatively) clean. i’m prepared to push and i’m prepared to crash.

yesterday’s scribblings

i feel like somebody crept in in the night and hollowed out my legs, filling them with cement instead. While they were at it, they seem to have filled my upper arms with needles and poured a bag of marbles into many of my other muscles so that they grind and rub and hurt when I move. There must also have been some kind of swirling toxic potion poured down my throat, destined to sit in my stomach swirling putridly all day as another toxin, which I guess was injected directly into my body, courses painfully through my veins and poisons my mind, clouding my brain and slowing every thought and action i attempt.
well that’s what it feels like anyway.

preperation (or) ruination

In preparation for my trial week for my new job, I spent my Saturday:

- baking a date loaf and dozen cupcakes, shopping for easy lunchbox-fillers and quick dinners, washing school uniforms and everything else in the house, packing away (into very high cupboards) all of the freshly washed winter sheets and blankets, washing a few day’s worth of pent-up dishes and generally scrubbing the kitchen within an inch of its (or my) life, hanging aforementioned bundreds of loads of washing then taking it in and folding, cleaning out wardrobes and banishing the heavy winter wear, reorganising the family whiteboard (it hangs in the kitchen and tells us what to do each day), organising babysitters during work shifts, making to-do lists for the entire week and probably a bunch of other stuff that I have forgotten to mention / blocked out due to trauma.

By the time I went to bed I was hurting and feeling nauseas and Trusty returned from South Africa to find a tired and grumpy girl on the other end of the phone. I was exhausted but had a very restless night feeling sick and hurty and anxious.

So this is why I am now spending my Sunday feeling quite literally sore and sorry. No matter how much I constantly remind myself of the importance of rest and pacing, the temptation to go overboard when I have the energy is irresistible.  Now the energy is sadly all gone and all I have to show for it is a ruined body and lots of very clean laundry and easily assembled food items for the week ahead.  Today I have been sporadically attempting to finish my weekend to-do list, doing short bursts followed by a lie down on my bed. Mowing the lawn is most definitely out of the question.

Am I even the same girl I was yesterday? The difference is staggering. Just showering exhausted me today. I’m currently sipping at peppermint tea to settle my stomach, have deep heat applied to my sore-est of muscles and am trying to recover without taking any painkillers. I am tempted to sleep yet scared of putting my body-clock out of whack in the lead up to my early starts at work. I’m implementing all of the deep breathing and stretching and distraction techniques I can muster in order to ward off anxiety.

Fingers crossed, positive thoughts, prayers or whatever it takes to wake up tomorrow feeling rested and renewed. m